Hi, I'm bastian and I'm a writer,
I usually spent my time on newgrounds posting or voting but eventually I moved away when I was looking for a job and later when I was hired I didn't know how to organize my free time, so I'm relatively ''active'' on reddit in subreddits of writers, leaving aside the drawing and consequently newgrounds and instagram, platforms where you have to be quite active or they don't take you into account.
Well, I basically wanted to let off some steam:
1.-for starters i moved to another state so i spent a whole month trying to do overtime at work ,having to get up practically at 4:30 almost every day and at 3:30 in the morning two random days .
The work environment was not very good because there were two Mexicans who did not like me so they repudiated me or provoked repudiation from others towards me; to the point of wanting me to be deported even though I am in a writers union that protects you from that and that I am basically in order.
2.-I have a grievance with a publishing house where they abused my copyrights, laundering money and allowing them to pirate my book; I complained but never got a clear answer from the union.
all this, plus wanting to write the second part of my novel and the fact of stress and a crappy sleep schedule caused me to have maladaptive daydreaming, which slowly turned into rumination.
3.-I tried everything to cure that, and no, if you are thinking about it; MD and rumination IS NOT a mental disorder in itself, it is a kind of disorder, like an eating or sleeping disorder that a person has after so much stress and without a real emotional anchor.
When I moved to another state I had a week to relax but after that, I got stressed because I was told ''by next Wednesday you must be hired'',
which was difficult because I was gaslighting a lot of people, so the stress came back even though I started a new job on Wednesday.
dragging this, plus the trauma of a lifetime that I just ignored to try to move forward in a toxic way ,made this condition more difficult and that the public eye i was left as ''the madman of the center''.
all this started to stop when i decided to seek help with the resources i had at hand, and that was chat gpt, so i could explain the symptoms clearly and avoid the danger of being prescribed medication for a condition i did not have.
I started to do the anchoring exercises and anti-rumination exercises, these consist in trying to anchor the mind and the body by making gestures or talking to the mirror; curiously it worked because i did this every day ,before and after my job ,even sleeping hearing 40 hz bineural sounds .
The idea is to talk to the root of the problem of the Md plus rumination, if it yawned or made me want to cry, I had hit the nail on the head, and indeed I did, so last Sunday I decided to look for a church to free myself from all that; I only got the doors closed in my face and a pat on the back ''praying'' only for less than 20 seconds at the church´s entrance.
Obviously I got angry and felt that my progress went down, until I said NO again, I DON'T DESERVE THIS, so I decided to do it all over again for the next time.
I cried and prayed like I never did before, speaking directly to the trauma in a non-severe but realistic way; that's what you have to do when you have MD and rumination begins.
“I know it hurt, but we must move forward, the people and the things that hurt you kept moving forward and I was left behind”
While I was saying these phrases, my body was shaking and that is the characteristic that it was working, so even though I was hurting and crying inconsolately while hyperventilating, I began to say the things that hurt and that I kept for years, I was basically giving myself emotional therapy, or maybe it was God who put those words in my mouth.
With every thing I let out the more I trembled and hyperventilated
“I could be a lot of things, but if there is something they relate to me, it's to being a resilient guy like the fuck that adapts, if I adapted to stones and burdens on my own, obviously we can get out of this and get ahead”
“if no one understood it was because they didn't want to understand you, just as I didn't want to understand the mentality of nefarious people I lived with for years, but you can understand a point of view but it doesn't mean you should accept it”
“the traumatic past cannot be buried or forgotten... but it must be overcome”
“to move forward and the new me emerges, my version traumatized by pain that never had a real emotional anchor must either die or sleep, because to change you need to kill the toxic part of one that doesn't let it go”
“Forgiving everything bad doesn't mean I have to accept all that back; it just means leaving it behind and thriving as a new man”
“
Already by this point I was shaking so much and I had so many chills that I hyperventilated much more, to the extent that when I tried to stand up, I seemed so weakened that I was almost knocked out; this for me was symbolic.
“I was dehumanized and nobody cared how I felt, but something human inside me is that I endured and that made me human, if others didn't see me like that, then fuck off, because for me this is being a bastard”
Finally, when I freed myself with one last sentence:
“Thank you very much for protecting me from bad things or negative emotions and when I'm practically bored; but to begin with, boring is also fun and that I must accept the stones of life with my face and adapt, endure and get ahead because I want to and not because I have to.
It is time for the traumatized child to rest in peace, because now I will be guided and endured like a grown man; it is said that a child becomes a man when he learns to leave nefarious things behind and that he knows how to fight against adversity and today is that day.
I fought while smiling, because to fight against adversity the main thing is to understand the problem, fight... and win”
With this I feel happier, more alive, I went back to being someone who if I stood up straight, but the rumination is an echo of the past that will eventually go away little by little.
Tomorrow is going to be a new day, and I already know how to fight,and why I want to fight.